It happens once a year......

There's one day a year that comes...... one day that takes us all back 7 years ago. Each year, I remember exactly where I was, what I was doing, the feeling, the emotions, everything that overtook me.  It was before 6 on a Monday night and we get a phone call from Shawn's mom to come over ASAP. We were just leaving the house to take Briley to a Math night at school. When Shawn came back out to the truck after he went in, he was weak in the knees and sobbing, in shock, I had never seen him this way before. He said Tina was gone....................................................................................
In my mind, I couldn't put together what he was saying, I couldn't understand, how, what? why? where? What do you mean gone? My husband was breaking down before me, I have never known him to be so emotional, never cry... and now he could barely hold himself up.  I drove Briley to my mom's house to drop her off and head back to my mother-in-laws house. When I walked into the house, my mother-in-law grabbed me and sobbed.  The house was somber as no life was left in it. People started filtering in one by one, each one of us shocked, saddened, scared and crying.

The next few days were a blur.  I kept thinking about how she could be gone, I kept pondering the natural questions, what if, why, how would I act, what about her babies?  Her babies...... she has 4 beautiful children, Sebrina, Nathan, Shawna and Jacob. How could they go on without their mother, who would be the first one to help the girls with her first dance or boyfriend? Who would help the boys with their first crushes? How was Julie, the baby, the one who looked to Tina for everything going to handle this?  All of these were thoughts that went through my head in the few days after her passing.  I cried at the thought of my husband losing his sister, the one that he helped raise, I cried at the thought of a mother who had to lose her daugther way too early, I cried at the father who lost his daughter, the one he was closest to. I tried to be the strong one for my husband who was breaking down before me, who had to leave work after he went back because that's all his thoughts consumed.  I tried to be strong for my then 1st grader, who didn't understand why her aunt was gone and watched all of these adults over the past days on an emotional roller coaster. It was tough.  This time of year is tough, every year.

Tina was full of laughter, she always liked to joke and laugh.  However, get her to smile for a picture, yeah right!! She was a good mother to her kids, the best she knew how to be. Tina would always laugh with Briley, grab her, tease her and hug her. A phone call to her big brother on occasion to ask questions, get his opinion or thoughts on things. She always called to tell us things the kids were doing or had done. At holidays, she was the person that was always joking, the one that is now the missing link.

I remember the first time that Shawn had a ring in layaway for me.  We had gone to her house for a get together and she came over and hugged me and told me she wouldn't want anyone else in the family.  Tina said, "Welcome to the family, sis." I cry as I type that. That meant so much to me. 

Everyone has their own memories of Tina, but these are just a few of mine. She had the most beautiful eyes and cutest dimples. We both were pregnant at the same time with Briley and Shawna. Shawna was born 1 month exactly after Briley. I hope they can grow up and feel the connection the two of them have. When I think about it now, Julie and I were pregnant with Lakyn and Chase at the same time too..... how odd.

With something so horrible happening to so many of us at the same time, some good came out of it too. Shawn got closer with his dad, whom he didn't have much of a relationship with before. I became closer to Julie, whom I wasn't close with until after Tina passed. Our family leaned on each other for support, we all came together to grieve and love each other. Mostly, I realized that time and loved ones are taken for granted.

Tina, we miss you everyday. Briley brings you up now and misses you too. I hope you can see Lakyn and how wonderful she is. You left us way too early, too soon, you had so much life left in you.  You will forever be in our hearts, close to our thoughts. This morning, you consumed my thoughts on my way to work. I thought about you and how you always brightened up a room when you walked into it. You are and forever will be in our hearts, I look at your picture on the fridge and remember how beautiful you were.  I look forward until our meeting again someday, where you have no more pain or sorrow, big blue eyes shining and you can say "Welcome home sis."

But, for now, I will treasure your brother, our family and the beautiful children you brought into this world. I will also look at that lily that sits in my kitchen, as a reminder of you and your beautiful personality.... the one that decided a few days ago to have one bloom after it hadn't been watered for quite awhile.  That's my reminder that you're VERY close to us. I will find some solace in these thoughts that I'm left with.  I love you very much and miss you too.  Protect not only your babies, but watch over all of ours as well, be their guardian angel. XOXO